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CharismaticVirtue
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Name: Kam
Gender: Male
Interests: Music: So fucking many: Papa Roach, Hatebreed, Cradle Of Filth, Sinisstar, Atreyu, Emery, Slipknot, Mudvayne, Static-X, Staind, Saliva, Sevendust, Switchfoot, Drowning Pool, Endo, Scars Of Life*, Thrice, Adema*, Dust For Life, Pillar, Godsmack, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Static Lullaby, Hopes Fall, Blindside, With Broken Wings, Shattersphere, Killswitch Engage, Breaking Benjamin, Chimaira, Slayer, Disturbed, Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Fear Factory, Life Of Agony, Sepultura, Shadow's Fall, Shinedown, Throwdown,Submersed, Nine Inch Nails, Cold, Nirvana, Rob Zombie, System Of A Down, Korn, Megadeth, Pantera, Puddle Of Mudd, Chevelle, Taproot, Trapt, 3rd Strike, CKY, Dope, Smile Empty Soul, From Autumn To Ashes, Tess, Minus the Bear, Darude, and I'm sure many, many more I can't think of right off the top..
Occupation: Engineering
Message: message me
AIM:  AeroNovaBlast
AIM:  SilencingSenada
Member Since:
3/31/2005
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| I'm not really sure why exactly I'm on here. Things have gone quite well lately. Perhaps I've finally stabilized everything to a point where I'm atleast content. This past week wasn't exactly the most wonderful. I ventured home on Wednesday due to the cat being ill and ended up being the one to take him in and have him put to sleep. About 2am Thursday morning we then received a phone call from my sister saying that my niece, Brianna, was in intensive care in Allentown due to some weird reaction with her new medications and something she ate. She recovered slowly and was sent home Tuesday after her breathing patterns were normal and her fever dropped. Oh, and somehow I managed to pick up a stalker on Sunday that now tries to converse with me daily via AIM despite only seeing me once (since she stole my sn off of Facebook). School is pretty boring in general. There isn't much to say about it. I'm very much enjoying the single freedoms as of late. It's been much more fun being able to go out on random dates and being able to enjoy the casual pleasures. Take that as you will, it works in all aspects ;D I'm anxious to see how everything turns out this year. I'm confident in what I'm doing for a change, so hopefully this doesn't fall through. | | |
| It's been a few months, so I figured I'd update.. In March, something fairly serious happened that completely shook my life up. However, it turned out to be for the best despite what I originally believed. It's weird to say, but I'm fairly content with where I'm at in my life at this point. I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am right now and have been enjoying everything as of late. It's a shame it took something so depressing to pull me out of what used to be, but it was a life lesson I needed. I've met some amazing people these past few months that have certainly made an impact on my life..people I would've never even spoken to if the circumstances were the same as they were. I reunited with old friends, severed multiple toxic ties, and started living free. I've let my sporadic behavior fly off the handle as of late and allowed myself to go through multiple experiences that I normally never would. Sure, I leave in a bit over a month, but atleast I know when I come back that there will be something here. I'm seeing that everything I did previously is finally starting to reward me and it's such a great feeling. While work and college can be a pain in the ass at times, both have given me some great times and a very promising future with opportunities I know almost no others around my age will ever have. I couldn't be more grateful for that and will definitely be taking every chance I'm given ^.^ So as of late I've been working a large number of hours, going out almost every night, and have been rekindling old friendships more than anything. It's a bit draining, but I enjoy it. My job's been very generous to me with giving me the unlimited overtime to make as much money as possible this summer before I leave again. I've done a good job the past 2 years of walking away without any loans or debt and I plan on keeping it that way. Thankfully, I also was given a 5K scholarship this year for Penn State. It isn't a huge amount, but it's definitely a help now and will be granted to me next year as well if I keep my GPA above a 3.7. Hopefully I'll manage that again. In general, things have been pretty well. It will actually be a bit sad to leave here shortly and have to say bye to some of the people I only recently brought into my life, but it's well worth it. That's about all for now. | | |
| So it's now 2008. Yay? It's not much different than the previous year. Some things just never change, unfortunately.
What I hope of the new year:
A select few guys fall off the face of the earth
I find out what I'm really doing with my life
I figure out more about myself and why I feel how I do and do what I do
Let's hope 08 is better.
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| Same position, same time, same people..nothing ever seems to make a move in the right direction.
I'm stuck doubting someone I used to dream about being with forever. I'm being suckered into this until something else comes along and I know very well know that something more than likely is going on already. Maybe I'm truly the one being naive here?
My dreams, my goals, my future all seem to just be a big cluster of pointless hope currently. I gave up the time of my life that was supposed to be one of the best and stayed here and what do I have left here? A family that's torn to shreds, a future career I never even wanted but just took, and having to wake up each day and go to bed each night realizing that it's most likely I most being seeing the one I love the most much longer. I have to go and run extensive amounts or collapse myself someone through pills just to sleep most nights and calm the pain. It's a sickening cycle that won't stop pounding on me and 9 out of 10 nights I feel like I'm on the brink of something making it that I don't wake up the next morning. Who really has to do this shit to get by? I've always been the first one to help people in my life, even those I barely know, and then I turn around and do the same things I tell others not to in order to keep myself going. I look to find someone now when I could use just someone to talk with casually and keep my mind off these things and no one ever is there. Not the so called friends, not my family, not even the person who tells me they love me the most. I ask so little from anyone and the fact that I can't even get decent respect is beyond me. Am I that bad of a person/family member/friend/boyfriend? Seriously?
So I'm back at square one. I'm torn on multiple things and my feelings won't choose a path for me. I want to know the truth about so much but I doubt I'll ever know. I want to be able to trust again, but I think I'd be smart not to after everything. I know I'm going to find out a lot of things I don't like soon and then I'm going to have no choice to but make a drastic choice, however don't let it be now. I just want a few days of peace and to give myself that false hope that things will someday be okay.
'Even your tears seem so fake..'
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| Unfortunately it's been a shame of a time lately. Yes, we are trying again, no, I don't know what will happen..I'm trying to stay optimistic that she'll start showing me something more and start showing me I'm that guy again, but being hopeful has never been my strong suit. I never understood how anyone could say they love someone and want them always and then go and even make them comparable to another guy in their life..It never added up.
I've been able to regain connection with my cousins out of state due to the tragic events unfolding in my life. 5 family members ready to die at any day and nothing that can at all be helped. The worst off is my grandmother, who has been stuck in a terrible place since her series of strokes. She lost her vision, has no concept of time or space, is completely co-dependent, and wishes she were dead. Each time I go up she sits in the living room and sleeps or cries, because that's all she can do..She talks about how she has two lives and she died in one already and how she wants to go be with her husband in another place. Now she's in the hospital on her deathbed and slowly losing it all. She's going to end up in vegetative state and then eventually pass away. Is it wrong of me to hope that this pain ends quick? I love her to death, but I don't want her to be stuck in anymore of the pain she's been in for nearly a year.
It's a shame that I've even found myself started writing in here again, but I don't feel that anyone else can understand or really cares the situation I'm in physical or mentally right now, so I write these entries more for myself than for anyone else. I'm tired of losing the people I love around me. Is 31 funerals not enough in a 19 year old's life that there needs to be more? Must I really continue to lose everyone around me? Family is special to me. They give that unconditional love that no friends do. Everyone else comes and goes as they see it, so to have just those few important people that will always stand by you and watch them in pain and slowly falling off this earth is a feeling I can't describe. I keep asking myself these questions, like why must everyone leave me, why must my body always be in so much physical pain and emotional despair, why won't she treat me like she used to and give me a reason to go through this pain, why am I even having to deal with anything like this at age 19? There's no answers for any of it. That's how my life has always been and will remain. I'm grateful for those few and far that have remained throughout the years whether we only talk once in awhile and everyday. It's not right that the family would only bother in times of tragic incidents, but I understand they all have their own lives to live. I'm the youngest of the grandchildren which makes it hard to relate to the other 5 on that side of the family due to them all being 30+, married, and having their own kids. It would be nice to just get a call or something from time to time just to know how things are though.
So what do I do now..? Stay here and remain suffering and just keep hoping things turn out for the best? I've done that for years and look where it's gotten me. What a joke. Maybe years from now I'll be able to look back on this and see how far I've gone in life. Maybe I'll be dead a few years from now, who really knows? If this is a test of how strong I am, I'd say I've been failing.
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